Thursday March 28th, 2024 8:32PM

Behind the perfect family photos

I sat in a roomful of women who took a chance on being honest. As one woman opened up, so did another and another. This wasn’t your typical evening of “Aunt Betsy’s back is hurt” prayer requests, but genuine, and sincere, heartfelt petitions. One woman shared that she had been struggling with her self-worth and it all revolved around social media. Though not all the women were comfortable with one another, this was something relatable. Another woman agreed - she had to delete her account due to jealousy issues.

Social media has so many wonderful charms – staying connected to old friends, seeing my memories from many years ago, keeping up with Mrs. Marshall’s cute grandkids. But there’s a subtle demon that sneaks its grimy fingers out of various-shaped screens to wrap around the hearts of all who are not careful. Admittedly, there’s more than one demon, but the one I am naming today is, “Their-Life-Is-Better.”

If men were smart enough and brave enough to sit in a room full of other men pouring their hearts out, I bet they could say they have also encountered the demon I am nicknaming “BetterBook.” It isn’t hard to feel “less than” when your so-called friends post pictures of their amazing promotions, their new private jet, and their amazing vacations.

When my sweet and innocent friend posted her spring décor in her home that sits overlooking the golf course, my own home suddenly looked so much less appealing, as I struggled to make all the pots and pans fit into the one, tiny cabinet allotted to them. I started wishing we had more money and that we could afford to move to a bigger home with a pool. How come she gets that, and I don’t?

It’s not just houses, it’s romantic dinners (how come my husband didn’t think to take me there?), amazing getaways (how can they afford to go to Disney *THAT* much?) and even perfect family photos (those things are expensive, so I don’t have any! Also, my kids can’t sit still that long!).

I have long held on to posts that I knew would make a good blog. I have held on to Tricia’s post (not her real name) because, while she is proud of her constant exercise routine at 9-months pregnant, she also constantly says that everyone else is “without excuse.” If she can do it, so can anybody! Right? I read her posts while in bed eating candy bars. Her videoing herself doing squats and push-ups while she looks like she is about to go into labor is all just too exhausting for me. I know from her previous pregnancies, she also gives birth at home in a pool full of rose petals. Am I “less than” because I was screaming for the epidural while she was doing push-ups? I believe she is well-intentioned. It’s not her fault. It’s BetterBook’s fault.

Then there’s my sweet friend Livie. That’s also not her name, so why can’t I come up with a better name than this one? It’s quite amazing that *nothing* else, literally nothing, comes to mind. Anyway, “Livie” is the one of the kindest humans on the planet in real life. But she actually wrote a blog (for which she is fairly well-known) about all the things she didn’t know she would do as a mom. I was excited to read it. I thought it would be full of things I would say… things like, “I said I would never feed my kids cake for breakfast, but here we are." But, no… again… more “mom-shaming.” Unintentional, but still there. Her list included cloth diapering, makingher own baby food and breastfeeding her baby til he was five (or something ridiculous like that). Basically, it seems she never knew she would be the perfect mom doing everything right. While that probably wasn't her heart, that's how BetterBook translated it into the language of my heart.

This is why moms go through their day feeling burdened and tired and well, “less than.” It’s why we strive to put our own perfect family photos on BetterBook. We try to make our own jobs seem glamourous. It's not just moms... it's single women who see photos of all their classmates getting married. It's the cashier watching all the posts of everyone else's big job announcements. It's the college kid eating ramen noodles scrolling through Instagram posts of everyone's steak dinners at fancy restaurants. It's why we *all* can feel "less than" sometimes. Or a lot of times.

Even if our friends aren’t truly outright shaming us, the unspoken words enter into our thoughts until we shame ourselves. If that other mom stays home, I feel guilty that I also can’t plan amazing science projects for my kids. Not only do I work, but I also do not have that kind of personality or energy. If the other mom works and shows a spotless house, I wonder how she does it. I feel I should be able to do that, too. That glamorous photo of a perfectly baked dinner from scratch makes my hamburger helper look, well, sad. Shouldn't I do better, be better? 

I win small battles with BetterBook by showing pictures of my dirty bathroom, sharing stories of my misbehaved child, and being honest about my stretch marks. I think someone, somewhere out there needs to know that they are o.k. They are not “less than.” They are probably just normal.

In fact, wanna know something? Pregnant exerciser Tricia divorced at a young age, remarried, and lost three babies to miscarriage. Her life isn’t perfect.  She’s normal. She’s experienced pain and grief and had to find her way through it. You might not know that from her Facebook posts, but her exercising through her pregnancy isn’t a way to make me feel bad. It’s her own personal victory from some hard things she has overcome.

I was shocked when Livie publicly marked a painful anniversary. Apparently, a year ago her husband came home after they had separated. She says they are still working on their marriage. Here’s the thing: I SCOURED her social media profile, going back MANY months to that time when they were separated. I found pictures of a happy family – at Christmas, at Disney… even the professional photos of perfection. It was all there. I had no clue.

Behind the smiling photos where everyone is dressed in perfectly planned clothes that they would never wear otherwise, we have NO clue what the reality looks like. Obviously, we aren't going to see pictures of burned dinners, only well-made ones. We don't want to post the D-I-Y project that went in the trash, but only the ones that are successful. I’m not sure if I should encourage others to be real, or just encourage myself to be released from the clutches of cravings. No family, no person, no job, no house is perfect. I am never going to start living until I stop wanting. I need to enjoy what I have and focus on the Goodness that has been gifted to me. I release the idea that I should have a “perfect life.” I release that. Yeah, those pots and pans really taunt me and it’s hard not to dream about a bigger kitchen. But dreaming about it doesn’t get me the kitchen, it just gets me misery.

I have learned some boundaries with social media. It’s good to enforce boundaries. But also, I’m trying to remind myself that I don’t WANT anyone else’s life. I also know I am exactly where, and who, I need to be. I may not be learning to crochet mittens for homeless kids off of YouTube videos like my friend Abby, but let’s be honest, I’m never going to do that. I am too impatient.

Instead, I’m just gonna stack those pots on top of each other however I can make them fit and slam the door and forget they are in there. So, instead of going to decorate my house for spring, which nobody would even see or appreciate (unless I post it, of course), I’m going to go see what Mrs. Marshall’s cute, little grandkid is up to now. And maybe post a photo of how I *didn’t* make my bed today, I *didn’t* use an all-natural alternative to my dollar general soap and my kid went to bed with a dirty face. Woah, talk about being a rebel. Oh, and I had cereal for dinner for the second night this week. Maybe I should mention that, too.

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