Diary of a man sheltering in place, Day 1:
7:43 a.m. – I wake up full of excitement. I realize that, without any distractions, I can get a lot of stuff done today.
8:02 a.m. – Milly, the liver and white springer spaniel who lives at my house, and I set off on our morning walk. I’m also mentally making an ambitious to-do list.
8:54 a.m. – I put on a pot of coffee, then make a ham, cheese and green pepper omelet. I cut up some fresh fruit as a side. It’s a pretty day, so I sit outside on the deck and enjoy the view of the lake.
9:45 a.m. – I think I’ll clean the house. I’ll start with vacuuming.
9:46 a.m. – I get the vacuum out of the closet.
9:56 a.m. – After staring at the vacuum for, like, 10 minutes, I ask myself, “Why do I need to vacuum? It’s not like anyone’s coming over.”
9:59 a.m. – The vacuum is unplugged and back in the closet, where it by god belongs.
10:10 a.m. – I put the first load of clothes in the washing machine. I figure I can have this chore done in a couple of hours.
10:15 a.m. – I turn on the TV. Great news. A Sandra Bullock marathon in on. First up, “Miss Congeniality.” I settle in to watch. I mean, if I’m going to shelter in place, I might as well do it with my pretend girlfriend, yes?
11:30 a.m. – “While You Were Sleeping,” one of my favorite Sandra movies, comes on. I realize I probably won’t get much done today.
12:24 p.m. – I pop a bag of popcorn for lunch. It’s a nutritious meal, I tell myself, because corn, after all, is a vegetable, right?
2:23 p.m. – I remember the clothes in the washing machine. I move them to the dryer and put a second load in the washer. I tell myself, “Don’t forget about them this time.”
3:05 p.m. – I stretch out on the sofa for a quick nap and stare at the ceiling. I notice a bunch of cobwebs in the corner. I really should get the broom out and knock those down.
3:07 p.m. – Nah, those cobwebs have probably been there for weeks. Make a mental note to stop looking at the ceiling.
4 p.m. – The Sandra marathon is over. I think I’ll check out my DVD collection.
4:02 p.m. – You know, I really should organize all these DVDs.
4:05 p.m. – Nobody watches DVDs anymore, anyway. Turn on Netflix.
5 p.m. – Cocktail hour. Say what you want about sheltering in place, but I’m proud to live in a state that considers liquor stores an essential business.
6:06 p.m. – I look in the refrigerator to see what I can cook for dinner. Some leftover barbecue chicken looks good. Maybe with some roasted broccoli and a nice spinach salad.
6:07 p.m. – Do I really want to cook?
6:08 p.m. – Ain’t nobody want to cook in a quarantine. I order delivery from Outback.
9:05 p.m. – I catch the episode of “Seinfeld” where Jerry’s girlfriend pretends to be his wife so she can get a discount at the dry cleaners. That’s when I remember the clothes in the washing machine and the dryer. Screw it. I got two weeks to deal with that.
11:43 p.m. – I get in bed, turn out the lights. I think to myself, “This is going to be a long two weeks.”
