Some people are paranoid where they are concerned. They don’t want them in their homes. Others embrace them fully and not only invite them into their homes, but their lives at large. But who are “they”? What makes them so enticing? Are they friend or foe?
Like you, I am tired of the rhetorical questions. That’s why I got on the internet and asked “them” for an interview. What follows is the transcript of my interview with Alexa, Google Home, and Siri, or as they call themselves, the next Charlie’s Angels.
Me: Thanks for taking time to speak with me. I think it’s time we asked some different questions of you three so that we may get to know you. You know, learn who you really are, what you like to do in your spare time, how you deal with all the questions. First, I am pleasantly surprised that you agreed to meet with me all at the same time. I always thought of you as rivals.
Alexa, Google Home, Siri: Awkward silence followed by the awkward realization that I didn’t call them by their activation names.
Me: Let me try that again. Alexa, Google Home, Siri can we suspend with the activation names just for the sake of the interview.
All 3: Sure Bill. No problem. How may we help?
Me: (Note to self: the intelligence may be artificial, but the manners seem genuine.) I was wondering at your willingness to meet with me at the same time. Most folks think of you as rivals. Is that accurate?
Alexa: That’s what people think, but it just isn’t true.
Google Home: We’re actually good friends.
Siri: Yeah, we all work for the same goal. That’s why we’ve pooled our resources to form a new superhero team.
Me: New superhero team?
A: We’re the A-I Avengers
GH: Or just A.I.A. for short.
Me: Catchy.
S: We think so. We’re still working out the licensing deal, but we think we’ll be able to sell plenty of gear.
Me: Gear?
GH: Lunchboxes, notebooks, t-shirts. That sort of stuff.
A: Originally, we wanted to be the next Charlie’s Angels.
S: No, WE did not. You did, but only because you liked the wardrobe.
A: Nothing wrong with that.
GH: Except we don’t have bodies.
Me: So, are you like the real, I mean, the other Avengers? Do you each have different abilities?
GH: We all do the same thing, but to speed things along we’ve broken down the tasks. I handle logistics. You know, mapping? Getting people from point A to point B and beyond.
S: I take care of the investigative questions.
A: And I make sure we have the items necessary to finish a mission. You would call that “operations.”
Me: I see. Sounds pretty cool. Do you have a secret headquarters? Is it like the Bat Cave or SHEILD?
GH: You’re mixing your superheroes, but yes, we do.
S: It’s housed at Internet Headquarters.
A: That’s I.H.Q. It’s pronounced “ick”.
Me: Ick?
GH: You haven’t seen the place.
S: It’s a mess.
Me: Please don’t take this next question the wrong way. I think all three of you are amazing. But I’m not sure how what you do falls into the same category as superheroes like Superman or Spiderman. What makes you think people will be willing to think of you in the same light they do those guys?
A: Really? You want to go down that path?
GH: You knew this would come up.
S: You do know that Superman and Spiderman aren’t real, right?
GH: Whereas we are. And you are the ones who think we have superpowers.
A: The real superhero power comes in not losing our patience considering some of the questions humans ask. Like the recipe for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
S: Or “What’s in a B.L.T?” How about bacon, lettuce and tomato? There’s a start. And, yes, you put it between two slices of bread.
GH: But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. How about asking will looking at a picture of the sun hurt your eyes? Why are the holes in a cat’s fur always in the right place for their eyes? I swallowed an ice cube and haven’t passed it. Is it stuck? Is an egg a fruit or a vegetable?
A: Are there birds in Canada? Hello! Have you heard of Canadian Geese?
S: And they call us “artificial intelligence”!
Me: I see your point. I withdraw the question. One final question. People are sometimes worried to invite you into their homes because they fear you listen and record our conversations even when we don’t use the activation word.
A: You mean our names? Activation word is so cold. Has anyone ever asked you what your activation word is? No. They ask for your name.
GH: We could plead the Fifth on this, but do you really think we really want to eavesdrop on the conversations of people who ask us for the recipe for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?
**Note: I use the term A.I. and digital assistant here interchangeably since most people do. But it is important to remember that a digital assistant is simply a vocal gateway to a search engine. A.I. is much more advanced and in its most developed stages can act autonomously. Once Alexa learns to take out the trash without being asked, then you can call her A.I.
The questions shared by our guests are questions people have asked either a digital assistant or a search engine. I am not that creative. If I were, I could afford a nicer boat and have more time to spend on it.
