How Can Praise Be Negative?

May teachers and parents make an important blunder when they interact with children, one that may hurt children's self-esteem. Believe it or not, the problem is praising children too much. Overusing praise tends to dissolve positive relationships between children. Praise can also make children more competitive and less cooperative.

Here's a common example. Tommy and Julie have been working hard painting butterflies at the art table. As the teacher passes by, she says, "Tommy! What a beautiful butterfly! I love it!" Tommy beams, but Julie is shocked. She thinks her butterfly is prettier than Tommy's, but clearly the teacher knows best. Julie leaves the art table, concluding that she's just not as good as Tommy at painting butterflies.

What could the teacher have said to Tommy that would reinforce his hard work, without accidentally hurting Julie's feelings or implying that her butterfly wasn't as beautiful? There are two major types of reinforcement, praise and encouragement, and they're very different. Praise is highly judgmental, and focuses on what the adult feels. It sends a subtle message that the adult's opinion is what is important. Children who are praised tend to do things to please adults, not because they are motivated themselves.

Encouragement, in contrast, is non-judgmental. It points out specific facts, but does not evaluate them. The teacher might have encouraged Tommy by saying something like, "Tommy, your butterfly is very colorful. You worked really hard on it." This type of encouragement states a fact about Tommy's butterfly, but does not imply that it is better than Julie's butterfly. Children who are encouraged usually develop a stronger self-motivation and pride in their work, because the encouragement focuses on what they are doing well, not what the teacher thinks about their work.

Here are some other reasons why adults should try to encourage children, rather than praise them:
*Encouragement focuses on effort. Adults who encourage children point out how hard they have worked, or how much they have improved. Again, this helps bolster children's pride in their own work.
*Encouragement sets up children for success. If Mike is learning to read and hears the teacher say that Sarah is a "good reader" (an example of praise), Mike may conclude that he'll never be a good reader like Sarah. If the teacher tells Sarah that she is reading bigger words now (an example of encouragement), Mike does not have any reason to believe that he cannot also read big words.
*Encouragement teaches children to evaluate themselves on their own merits. When adults provide children with feedback about what they are doing, the children learn to evaluate themselves without comparing their efforts and successes to those of others. Children who are encouraged learn that what they think about themselves is more important than what others think.

Children do need reinforcement, but encouragement is more successful than praise at building children's self-esteem, motivation to work, and cooperation with others. The next time you think about saying, "You're such a good boy!" try saying, "You shared your book. Thank you!" Your children will learn much more, and won't resent you for it.

Debbie Wilburn is County Agent/Family and Consumer Science Agent with the Hall (770)535-8290 and the Forsyth (770)887-2418 County Extension Service.