Spring Break Journal

PRELUDE: Spring Break is finally over and truth be known, it never really got started. In other words, it was doomed from day one. But the worst part is now you have to read about it - it's uglier than you might think.

DAY ONE: As usual, we left town three hours late. But we took it as a good sign because we usually leave for all our trips four hours late. It was warm and the sun was shining so we ignored the weather report - something ridiculous about a storm front on the way.

DAY ONE AND A HALF: We made good progress toward the Gulf, due in part to fixing seventeen baloney sandwiches for the trip down. That way, we didn't have to stop at a fast food Mecca and spend forty-five dollars on French fries. On the other hand, the two liter bottle of SuperFizz Grape Drink was probably a mistake. That much sugar probably explains why the kids lost complete control of themselves somewhere around the Georgia-Alabama state line. I had to use "The Warning" six times. When that didn't work, I used "The Threat" - that's where I threaten to sell them to the Goatman if they don't behave. It worked for about an hour.

DAY TWO: We arrived late last night and quickly fell into a post work-related coma. Fortunately, the kids got up screaming at the crack of dawn so that we didn't have to waste any time trying to get a full eight hours of sleep. It was cloudy early on, but the skies cleared just long enough for everyone to achieve the obligatory "red as a beet sunburn" in a little under an hour and a half - a new record for us. Then the clouds came back.

DAY THREE: This morning was a little disorienting. Part of it had to do with my eyelids being blistered from the previous day, but most of it was because of the fog. Actually, that's a kind description. It was more like a heavy cloak of humid agony than fog. Visibility was so bad that even the seagulls were grounded.

DAY FOUR: Fortunately, the fog lifted. It was replaced by the monsoon. That's a kind description. It was more like a heavy blanket of solid wet misery than a monsoon. After the first sixteen hours of nonstop rain, the kids started showing signs of the Cyclonic Meltdown of all time. So we decided to go the movies, along with a thousand other desperate looking parents. The greedheads at the theatre decided to hold an auction for the tickets. It was worse than eBay. We lost and went home. While the kids completed the meltdown cycle, we tried to fall into another coma.

DAY FIVE: Fortunately, the rain stopped. That allowed the cold front to finally move in - with thirty mile an hour winds and temperatures in the high forties all day. In an act of defiance, we roped ourselves together and determined to visit the beach. It looked like Antarctica - without the polar bears. The Department of Children Services stopped by in response to our complaint, but told us that they couldn't take our children from us - not even for a couple of hours.

DAY SIX: Our rooms somehow got smaller over the last few days so that we were practically sitting on top of each other. No one could so much as breath without a fight breaking out. In some ways, it made up for not having any blankets to keep us warm. Still, I called the management to complain, but all I got was a recording about how they were on vacation in the Bahamas and the weather was great. I ripped the phone out of the wall as my way of saying, "Wish you were here."

DAY SEVEN: The sun came up early today, and it was 78 degrees by noon. Not a cloud in the entire western hemisphere. Everyone complained liked professionals about the trip and the ride home. It all cost a fortune and it was all wasted.

Fortunately, the Goatman cut me a deal on the kids.