Trail Envy

Until recently, I was pretty picky about which comic strips I read. I used to never waste any time on the serial comics, the ones you have to read every day to keep up with the story lines. I couldn't be bothered with continuity. Until now.

As a result of the aging process, I yearn for a little continuity sometimes. And that probably explains how I got hooked on reading Mark Trail. It's not a terribly complicated picture board and the dialog doesn't tax my work-worn gray cells. But now that I've followed the outdoorsman for a couple of years, I've developed a minor quirk - I want to be Mark Trail.

First off, he's got a beautiful wife. No big deal, so do I. And he has a cute kid hanging around. I have three of those. Finally, he lives in a neat cabin in the woods. So what, there are lots of trees behind our house.

But more important that everything else is his career. I'm talking about the one he doesn't have. Sure, he pretends to be a writer, but that's just a codeword for "I like to goof off." I haven't been reading the strip forever, but has anybody ever seen this guy in front of a computer? With a typewriter? A tape recorder? Has anyone ever seen so much as a quill and inkwell in his general presence?

Let's face it, he's a goof off. And what's more, no one seems to care. Every week or two, he pops his head in the door of his cabin and tells his wife, "Cherry, there are some rocks in a far off place that I need to examine. I'll be back in a couple of weeks."

"No problem, honey. I'll be here smiling when you get back," she chirps.

It makes you wonder what kind of spell this guy has on people. On the other hand, why should she mind if he's gone for a month or two at a time? As far as I can tell, she goofs off for a living, too.

For the next four weeks, he traipses about in the woods at his leisure. Sooner or later, he beats up some scoundrel in a fair fight, and he goes home. Then it starts all over again. "Cherry, I'm home."

"Mark, there's someone here to see you. He's been waiting here patiently for several days. He needs you to go trout fishing with him for a week or two. I've already packed your bags."

"Thanks, hon," he smiles. "As soon as I shower and shave, I'll be ready to go."

The whole scenario is just more than a regular guy can bear. How do you get a job like that? And once you do get it, how do you get away with it? The last time I tried a stunt like that, I was almost boiled alive. In Mark's case, people come to his house and beg him to goof off.

I don't think that I'm the only one who wants to be Mark Trail, either. There are a lot of guys out there who'd jump at the chance. But I'm not afraid of the competition. In fact, I've been practicing on the weekends. I put on a pair of rugged boots and jeans and I hang out in the backyard. When I finish there, I hang out in the front yard.

And when I've finished with the yardwork, I pop my head in the door, and tell my wife I'm back. That's when she smiles and tells me that someone's been waiting to hear from me. "Who is it, someone who needs me to go dog sledding with them?"

"No, it's your boss. He wants you to meet him at the office this afternoon to help finish up some paperwork."

You know, that's not exactly what I call a fair fight.