I’m very proud of myself today. I’ve single-handedly done my part to help our economy. I went out and bought myself some underdrawers, which is proven to be one of the leading economic indicators that the recession is over.
Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “What has ol’ Four Eyes down at the radio station been smoking?”
Alas, I’m serious.
I didn't realize I was being such a patriot when I went shopping. Frankly, it had just been a while since I had bought new underwear. I admit without shame that I had a few pairs that were looking ratty, and all I wanted to do was replace them.
Then I read a story in The Washington Post that explained the whole buy-underdrawers-to-boost-the-economy theory. And it's backed up by no less an authority than former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan.
Here’s how the theory works, according to The Post. Since men's underdrawers are considered a necessity, sales usually remain constant all the time. But in times of great financial hardship, men tend to stretch the amount of time between purchases to save a few bucks.
When the sale of men’s underdrawers starts to rise, it’s a sign that the economic recovery is in full force. So when I went out recently and bought a few new pairs, I guaranteed that better days are ahead of us.
You can thank me later.
I’m not completely sure I buy into this theory, though. There are more scientific, more reliable ways to evaluate the economy’s condition. It seems to me that the inflation rate or an increase in home sales or a decline in unemployment are much better ways to gauge the health of the nation's economy.
But as Barney Fife used to say, “You can’t argue in the face of a scientific fact.”
The biggest reason I don't buy into this theory, though, is that women – not finances – dictate when men buy underwear. It all starts with our mothers, who were obsessed with making sure we wore clean underdrawers.
And the reason they gave was always the same. "What if you're in an accident?" It's as if there were a rash of doctors refusing to treat patients because they had on dirty underwear.
I was convinced that getting caught wearing dirty underwear would be the biggest scandal that could happen in the small town where I grew up.
“Ethel, did you hear about Marcile’s boy?”
“I heard he was hurt pretty badly in an accident.”
“Girl, that’s not the half of it. The boy wasn’t wearing clean underwear.”
“Oh, my!”
As we move away from our mothers, men are always hoping that there might be some opportunity for a member of the opposite sex to see them in their underwear, and no man wants to be caught wearing ratty underdrawers, lest they face the wrath of said member of the opposite sex.
“Leon, if you don’t go to Walmart today and get you some new underdrawers, you gonna have to sleep outside with the dog.”
The Post story said men buy, on average, 3.4 pairs of underwear a year. That number seems a little low to me, and considering I bought twice that many pairs on my recent shopping spree, I'm apparently done with underwear purchases until 2031.
But you really don't have to thank me after all. I’m just proud to do my part.
