"So, Milly, did you see the story in the paper last week about the German shepherd who saved her human family when the house caught on fire."
"Well, let's assume that since I don't have a newspaper subscription that I didn't. Also, I can't read."
"No need to be nasty. I just thought it was a great story about how smart dogs are."
"I'm not surprised. We all know dogs are smart. The news is full of stories about dogs having to come to the rescue of some human."
"True. But you've never really done anything heroic."
"I haven't needed to, thank God. But I hope I'd be up the challenge if it ever happened."
"I hope so, too. Of course, you've got it easy. I've spoiled you pretty good. You stay inside out of the elements, and you sleep in bed with me."
"What's your point? I do my part. For instance, I don't make indiscretions on your carpet. To be honest, the only reason we ever mess up the carpet is because we're mad at you about something."
"Like what?"
"Like coming home smelling like another dog. Or bringing a cat into the house. Personally, I don't like it when humans use the word 'dog' to describe an ugly person."
"Well, it's just an expression."
"We have feelings, too. Dogs are beautiful, loving animals. Why don't you call ugly people 'armadillos' or 'warthogs' or something? Us dogs should contact the ACLU and file a class action suit against people who use our name in that way."
"The ACLU?"
"The American Canine Liberties Union."
"Oh."
"Look, we know we have a good thing going. I have a warm bed to sleep in, plenty of food and treats and lots of love. That's why we're happy to see you when you get home, no matter how long you've been gone or what you've been up to."
"We appreciate that."
"You should. Dogs survived in the wild for thousands of years before man ever brought them inside and domesticated them. We could survive on our own just fine, but why should we? We've got you right where we want you."
"What does that mean?"
"You get all that love and companionship you want. But it's the dogs who are running the show."
"Not around here."
"Oh really? When I'm hungry, what do you do?"
"Well, I feed you."
"And when I'm dirty?"
"I bathe you."
"And when I go to the bathroom outside?"
"I pick it up with my pooper-scooper bag and throw it away."
"Exactly. Don't you get it?"
"Get what?"
"I, the dog, go to the bathroom outside and you, the human, walk along behind me and pick it up. And you think you're in charge?"
"I see your point."
"I'm glad. Now I'm going to take a nap. Wake me when it's time for my walk."
