I firmly believe that one of the greatest technological advances of the 20th century was the invention of the television remote control.
What did we do before the remote control? I’ll tell you what we did. We just sat there was watched whatever came on whichever of the three channels our TV was tuned to because we were just too lazy to get up off our behinds and walk all the way across the room to turn the dial to another channel.
But once the remote control was invented, we could lie on the sofa and zap anything we didn’t want to watch, a function that became even more important with the invention of cable TV with its 500 channels.
My favorite thing to zap is commercials. I don’t like commercials, unless it features a cute dog or the Budweiser Clydesdales. I particularly hate political commercials, which are already flooding the airwaves. I have commercial zapping down to a science. As soon as a commercial begins, I can flip through nearly every channel and get back to the original channel without missing any of the program.
In fact, watching television with me goes something like this: "Like sands through the hourglass, these are..." (click) "For three easy payments of $39.95..." (click) "Green Acres is the place to be..." (click) "Well, Jerry, the reason I married my cousin..." (click) "Rebecca Hinklemeyer, come on down..." (click) "The biggest problem facing the Trump admini..." (click) "Nobody sells Fords for ..." (click).
Wouldn’t it be nice if someone would take the remote one step further so that we could zap unpleasant situations and people in real life?
Suppose you’re driving in a rainstorm and you lose control of your car. Just as you’re about to swerve out of control and into the other lane of traffic, you press the button on remote to zap the whole situation and find yourself on the beach in the Bahamas.
Or perhaps you’re stuck in gridlock traffic trying to get home from the office. Just zap it and suddenly you’re sitting at a bar where an attractive bartender serves you an adult beverage, which is what anyone who has sat in gridlock traffic deserves.
Or maybe you can’t get your work done because the co-worker in the adjacent cubicle won’t stop yammering about the new guy she’s dating or about the crazy stuff she did this weekend. Zap. Your work is all done to perfection. And your co-worker has developed a nasty case of laryngitis.
A real-life remote would be great at parties, too. There’s always someone at a party who wants to recount the gory details of his latest medical procedure.
“And then the doctor inserted a tube into…” he is saying before you zap him. Suddenly, he’s in gridlock traffic and you’re standing at the party with a beautiful brunette who resembles Sandra Bullock.
Think of the possibilities. You could zap politicians, insurance agents, trips to the dentist, car breakdowns during thunderstorms, religious zealots who knock on your door at 9 o’clock on a Saturday morning and friends who want to take you to a sushi bar for dinner.
I know such an invention sounds ridiculous. But 30 years ago, I would have thought it ridiculous that one day my car would give me directions or that I could use my telephone to send text messages to my friends.
So, if it’s OK with you, I prefer to keep my little fantasy alive.
