Journalists like me are always trying to land big-time interviews, and I’m certainly no exception. This year, for instance, I was granted an exclusive interview with Santa Claus last week.
Laugh if you will, but interviews with the jolly old elf, especially this time of year, are hard to come by. Not only is this his busy time of the year, but other media outlets are vying for his time, as well. I understand it was between me and Hoda Kotb.
But I think I landed the interview because Santa and I go way back. When I was about 5 and had been a particularly good boy that year, Santa brought me the electric train set I had requested.
I called his office at the appointed time, but Jingles, the elf who answered the phone, said Santa was in a meeting.
“They’re putting the final touches on the Naughty-or-Nice List,” Jingles said. “Do you mind if I put you on hold for a few minutes?”
I hoped the hold music would be something from Faith Hill’s Christmas album. It wasn’t. It was the barking dogs singing “Jingle Bells.” Fortunately, Santa didn’t make me wait long.
“Mitch, my boy. How are you, son?”
I’m doing well, Santa. How are things at the North Pole?
“Well, to be honest, it’s been a tough year for us. We decided to outsource some of the toy making to China, and it was as disaster. Quality control issues mainly.”
That seems like an easy thing to fix, though.
“You would have thought so. But then one of the elves organized a protest against the outsourcing and before you knew it, we had a revolt on our hands. It got worse when Blitzen got the reindeer to join the protest, and that threw out entire transportation sector into chaos.”
What happened?
“We pulled out of the outsourcing agreement, and we agreed to hire more elves. We’ll be ready for Christmas Eve. But I’m worried we’ll have more problems next year.”
Why is that?
“Well, it’s an election year in America and some politicians are demanding we bring jobs back to America. I keep having to remind them we’ve never had a plant in America.”
Have you ever thought about opening one here?
“Certainly, we have. I don’t know why we ever chose the North Pole in the first place. It’s so cold here. But I don’t think we’ll ever be able to have a plant in America. You know, some of the elves aren’t American citizens, and I’m afraid their paperwork isn’t in order.”
Well, I hope it all works out for you. So, tell me, how is Mrs. Claus.
“Oh, she’s become a health nut. She wants all the boys and girls to leave celery and carrot sticks for me so I can lose some weight. She actually expects Santa to be skinny. Have you ever heard such nonsense?”
That does seem extreme. Listen, I have one last question that has always bothered me. Exactly how does someone get on the naughty list?
“It gets harder to figure out every year. Let’s just say I won’t be making any stops in Washington, D.C., this year.”
Well, our time is up, Santa. Is there anything else you’d like to say?
“I’d like to wish everyone the merriest of Christmases. … And if you want to leave cookies for me, go ahead. The ol’ lady doesn’t need to know everything.”
