Thursday March 28th, 2024 8:17AM

GIVING THANKS: Learning from my anxiety

Sometimes I walk in to a meeting, the same kind of meeting I’ve been attending routinely for the last few years, and my heart feels like it’s going to explode.

There are so many people in this room.

And all of them are friendly faces, people I’ve chatted with and interviewed, people I call by their first names, who call me by mine. But nothing spikes my anxiety more than feeling like I am a message in a bottle floating among a sea of people.

I have anxiety. Bad. Real Bad. I’ve had some of it my whole life, and some of it has worsened over the years. I thought everybody felt like this for a long time, but the first time I took a prescribed medication, I noticed things were different.

I wasn’t sweating buckets. My visible rattling had decreased to a dull trembling. My eyes were no longer glued to the floor.

That was 2015. I’m still working with my anxiety, as well as other mental health challenges, but I am grateful for the things I’ve learned through my anxiety along the way. Especially this year, as I’ve been tackling some of my biggest anxiety Goliaths ever.

The first and most important thing I am grateful for is that my support system, including my family, friends and coworkers, love me halfway to death’s door. I am grateful for every late night phone call, every text while you’re busy, every planned get-together, every social media like and every "hey, we've got this." I encourage everyone to reach out to someone they love this holiday season and tell them that you do, in whatever way you can. Depression will eat your soul alive from the inside out, but anxiety is the one that is running circles in your brain, desperately needing more and more validation.

I am grateful for modern medicine. I never knew the fears that had me foaming at the mouth could be tamed with balance, care, and hard work. I not only see a psychiatrist, but also a counselor and a specialist to help me work through the problems I both encounter daily and that have left deep marks on me. Even 50 years ago, I would likely not be successful at controlling or managing my troubles in the ways I am able to today.

I am grateful for the structure I have worked to build in my own life through my pets. I am grateful to take my dog on daily walks and ensure the cat is fed on time for his liking. I am grateful I have two cuddle buddies no matter what way I am feeling. I am grateful for the little dog who stares at me when I have an anxiety attack and reminds me with just a sad look that I need to get it together, if not for me, for her. I am grateful for the fat cat that curls up at my feet each night… and makes sure I wake up on time.

I am grateful that this year specifically, I began to learn how to properly love myself. I try not to call myself names when I mess up even the slightest thing anymore. I have purchased myself new clothes and changed up my hair just for fun – even accepting that my hair is just hair and not a defining piece of me. I have spent a lot of evenings in, listening to music I love. I have been writing creatively more and engaging in poetry groups. I am grateful that I am giving myself an outlet to simply exist, outside of my own criticism.

In addition to the year round need to love yourself for who and what you are, and the battle between you and the inner monster that tells you mean things, let’s add the crazy tension of the holiday shopping season, the bittersweet time with family, the busted budgets, the shipping costs and the long drives to grandma’s house! That feels like a whole sack of potatoes just got slung onto your sense of self, right? You mean immediately after I spend a day giving thanks for what I have, after this year trying to better myself, I have to join the rat race of holiday perfectionism? Wait, I need to decorate what? How many presents am I buying exactly?

You know, it’s tough to battle the consumerism of the holidays while also keeping up with the Joneses, and it’s tougher to keep yourself from feeling like nothing you do will ever compare with the social media accounts you follow or what you see in glossy magazines and on big TVs at the mall. Everything looks perfect, but stop and ask yourself if it is. I look like a regular ol’ 20-something, who likes fashion and her pets, and if I never wrote this post, would you ever know I’ve been struggling with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder for as long as I can ever remember?

Probably not. Most people comment on my hairstyle or my outfits or a story idea, not the fact that I can’t stop wringing my hands or how I have a hard time making eye contact. Everyone’s living in their own snow globe – and that’s ok! – but don’t be afraid to tap on someone else’s glass once in a while.

And if you get anxious like me, try to remember that when your snow globe gets shaken up this holiday season, sometimes the beautiful stuff is what falls down. Be patient, stay grateful and use your resources.

  • Associated Categories: Local/State News
  • Associated Tags: Thanksgiving 2019, anxiety, Giving Thanks
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