Friday March 29th, 2024 3:14AM

Is there anything I can eat that won't kill me?

The latest news story about something that could kill me has led me to a decision. I'm no longer going to read news stories about things that could kill me.

You probably saw the story I'm referring to in the paper last week. According to researchers, plastic water bottles are breaking down and releasing toxins into the water, and it's especially dangerous if you reuse the bottle, which is what I often do.

When I hired Chelsea the Trainer a two years ago, she told me I needed to give up Coca-Colas and drink more water. So I gave in. Out went the Cokes. In came drinking several 16-ounce bottles of water every day.

But I didn't want to pay nearly two bucks a pop for the water, so I simply bought one bottle at the convenience store and refilled it over and over for several days.

Now I find out I may be ingesting harmful toxins along with the supposedly healthful H2O. But what else are we supposed to do?

Tap water? No, can't do that. Our drinking water supply in this country is apparently full of dangerous prescription drugs such as antibiotics, birth-control drugs and anti-depressants.

Back to Cokes? Can't do that, either. Cokes have too much sugar.

Diet Cokes? Chelsea says they’re just as bad as regular Cokes.

Coffee? Negative. The caffeine isn't good for us. Plus too much coffee can cause cancer.

Beer? Beer makes you fat.

Bourbon? Nope. Cirrhosis of the liver.

Trying to decide what to have for dinner is just as difficult. Another thing Chelsea did for me was change the way I eat. Being the proud Southerner that I am, I love fried chicken and country fried steak and fried pork chops. Really, I like anything that you can fry. Batter and deep fry a sneaker and I'd probably try to eat it, especially if you cover it in gravy and serve it with mashed potatoes.

But, of course, we all know that eating too many fried foods will raise your cholesterol and clog your arteries. Not to mention helping you pack on the pounds.

So I started eating more fish and chicken, paired with lots of freshly prepared fruits and vegetables. But fish sometimes contains high levels of mercury, which can cause serious health problems. So can many kinds of shellfish, so there goes the seafood as an option for dinner.

It used to be that your mother encouraged you to eat your vegetables. But now, I read that the pesticides the farmers use can seep into the vegetable itself. Same deal with fruit. You can wash that apple, but it doesn't get rid of the pesticide that soaked through the peel.

Even Milly, the liver and white Springer spaniel who lives at my house, has to worry about this. The brand of dog food I feed her touts itself as "now better tasting," but recently some brands of dog food were recalled, and I’m concerned that her food has been contaminated.

If you really worried about all of this, you'd be at your wit's end. This is precisely why I've decided to not worry about it anymore.

Besides the only other option is to go out in the backyard and gnaw on a pine cone.

On second thought, that probably isn't such a good idea, either.

I'd probably end up with splinters in my tongue and die from an infection.

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