RELATING TO TEENS, PART 1

When your teen continually questions your authority or says "just leave me alone," you may want to say "all right, I will; I give up!" But that isn't the solution. Your teen needs your help to develop into a well-adjusted adult. Your child needs to learn responsibility, decision making, morals, and values-all of the things that you can teach.

Here are some suggestions to help you work with your adolescent. Keep in mind, you may need to experiment and find out what works best for you and your teen. Parents need to be flexible and creative when relating to their child.

*Be honest. Adolescents are developing their thinking abilities. They want to know the reasons for everything, and they expect consistency from their parents. They are critical of the parent who is dishonest or two-faced.

*Be open. Adolescents want to be able to talk with their parents; they also need their privacy and independence. The adult-adolescent conversation needs to be two-sided, with both people sharing their thoughts and feelings. Adolescents want to know if, as adults, we are also struggling with some of the same concerns they are.

*Be calm. Adolescents like to try out their arguing skills. If you get angry and yell or scream, this is an ideal time for them to practice. Avoid getting into power struggles and arguments with your adolescent. If you talk calmly, your child can see you as in control of the situation.

*Set clear and consistent limits. Younger children bide by the rules set down by the parents just because they are rules. Adolescents are more likely to question the importance of the rule and why there has to be one at all. You should respect your child's need to have the rule explained. Take time to explain why this rule is set and allow time for negotiation of certain rules such as curfew. However, don't hesitate to say when something is not open to negotiation, such as riding in a car with kids who have been drinking or taking drugs.

*Remember that growing up means becoming independent. In situations where your child's well-being is not in danger, you may need to accept that your child makes choices you wouldn't have made. Or that your child has behaved in ways that you don't approve. That's independence. Does it really matter if your child dresses weird, has long hair, or has a pierced ear? Is it worth the argument? Your teen is showing individualism and independence from you. Try to overlook some of the outside appearances and concentrate on the inner strengths of your teenager.

*Be supportive. Independence does not mean isolation. It means establishing a different kind of relationship with parents, not terminating it. Almost all adolescents say their parents are the most important people in their lives. Adolescence is a time when you are needed-when teens are trying to figure out who they really are. No matter how frustrated you may feel at times, your child needs you as a base of support!

Debbie Wilburn is County Agent/Family and Consumer Science Agent with the Hall (770)535-8290 and the Forsyth (770)887-2418 County Extension Service.