In 1996, the Summer Olympics came to Gainesville and Hall County by way of hosting the Canoe/Kayak and Rowing competitions. It was in July. It's always hot in July. I went anyway. And I melted - twice.
In September of this year, Gainesville/Hall County will host the 33rd ICF Flatwater Canoe/Kayak World Championships at the Lanier Olympic Center at Clarks Bridge Park. As a part of the organizing committee, I pointed out that it's usually still hot in September. Everyone ignored me. So I'm officially inviting everyone to come watch me melt again - for the third time.
Actually, most people don't mind being outside in the summer the way I do. More important, they don't mind being outside at the lake watching world class athletes compete for the right to attend the 2004 Summer Olympics to be held in Athens, Greece. And if you look at that way, attending the World Championships just might be cool.
Of course, there is some expectation that I will attend. And if the psychotherapy goes well, I might. It's not the heat that scares me, it's the memory. I call it the Canoe Mishap Memory. It's a short but pitiful story.
It started with the free certificate for a canoe adventure. My adventuresome wife suggested that we go and so we did - in the middle of August. It's usually hot in the middle of August. It was this time, too.
When we arrived, we received the standard canoeing instructions from the guide. It primarily focused on the many different ways to not swamp your canoe and flail about like a moron. As is usually the case, my wife listened intently while I stood off to one side insulted that anyone would think that I would be so lame as to not be able to paddle a canoe downstream without having to call out the coast guard.
After the instructions, we set sail. Everything went okay at first, but then we hit our first rapids. To me it looked like a Class Five Wild and Scenic River. My wife recalls that it looked more like the ripples a person makes getting out of the bathtub. Either way, within about thirty seconds, we were thoroughly and hopelessly swamped.
At that point, I shouted to Lydia to man the lifeboats. In turn, she calmly asked me where the life jackets were. As a part of my Rugged Guy Persona, I had slipped them out of the boat when the guide wasn't looking. "I think they got washed overboard in the waves. Try bailing," I urged.
"With what?," she asked.
"Use the wine glasses," I raged. "This is life or death." Just as I was imagining what it might feel like to be washed over the top of Buford Dam, I heard a splashing sound.
I turned and saw the guide walking toward us down the middle of the two foot deep stream we were in. "Having a problem?," he smiled. My wife said yes and I said no as the guide set about righting our canoe. Then he handed us some life jackets.
"Found these on the bank back there," he said . "You must have left them by accident." After having thoroughly blown my Rugged Guy Persona in front of my wife, he sloshed back the way he came.
That's how I got my Canoe Trauma. The therapist is the one who suggested that I get involved with the World Championship. And I'm glad he did. It's going to be a great event, complete with an Opening and Closing Ceremony, Awards Ceremonies, and world class competition with activities and events from September 10th through 14th.
And if everyone who reads this column shows up with a copy in their hand, I might be willing to demonstrate the proper technique for swamping a canoe or kayak, and the best way to flail about in a moronic attempt to right the boat.
The way I see it, it should be a great way to cool off during a really hot event.
Thursday
August 7th, 2025
2:57PM
