As a general rule, I try to be careful about what I watch on television. Most of the stuff on TV is pretty bad. But by far the worst programs are television shows about television. If your remote control gets stuck on one of those, you run the risk of serious humiliation. I've just now reached the point where I can talk about it publicly.
It was THE football weekend of the year, and I had carefully arranged for my wife to take our daughters shopping somewhere. I gave them permission to spend up to $50,000 on the credit card, thinking that that would keep them occupied for at least an hour or two.
In the meantime, I invited my brothers over to watch the big game on the big screen television. After the girls left, I headed to the den to watch a little of the pregame show while waiting on the guys to come over.
As usual, the remote control was missing and I didn't have time to play an entire round of Where's The Remote Thingie?, so I just changed the channels manually. While I was flipping channels, I made the mistake of landing on the all time worst TV About TV Shows known to mankind - Glittery Fluff, or GF for short.
It normally comes on right after the evening news, but this was a special two-hour program running opposite the game. As usual, it was hosted by Spiff and Shine, and as usual, their hair and their teeth were big and perfect in a scary sort of mannequin way.
The initial segment of the show was about some other TV show called Americans Desperately Seeking Attention. That's where a bunch of people audition to be picked as the most desperate, and an even more desperate group of people vote for who is most desperate. And what made it scary was that it really wasn't about the show itself, it was about the "making" of the show - there was no telling where it would all end.
But anyway, I was about to change the channel when the phone rang and I ran into the kitchen to answer it. While I was finishing up the phone call, Larry and Perry showed up and I motioned them to the den without thinking. Right after I hung up, I joined them.
When I got there, they were frozen in place and turned to me with a severe look on their faces. "We need to talk," my older brother said sternly.
"Oh, you mean those fruity cheese snacks. That was Lydia's idea. Don't worry, I got a jumbo bag of beer nuts in the ...."
But before I could finish, they both turned and cried out like they were in physical pain, "You're watching Glittery Fluff."
I immediately went on the defensive, "No, I wasn't. Only women and losers watch that program. I only watch programs about sports and war."
"Well, it's on," they both pointed out accusingly.
"But I wasn't watching it. I wasn't even in the room." Just as I said it, a really trashy segment began and we all three fell under a spell that I call the Hollywood Accident Scene, where you're not able to resist looking at a GF segment no matter how horrible it is. In fact, the more horrible the further you get sucked in.
The next thing I knew, we were all sitting down staring intently at the screen and munching on fruity cheese doodads. I have no idea how long we were stuck in the trance. And that probably explains why no one heard the front door open and close. The next thing I knew, my wife was standing in the room, smiling to herself. "I really think it's neat of you guys to get together to watch your favorite show. I can't wait to tell Stephanie and Judy."
My brothers still aren't speaking to me. Not only that, but I'm out $50,000 to boot. By the way, did anybody get the score of the game?
Tuesday
August 5th, 2025
12:27AM
