"Stuck On You" **

The Farrelly brothers have garnered a reputation for a certain kind of film. With riotously irreverent fare such as "Kingpin" and "There's Something About Mary," they have proven over and over that there is no taboo that is unshakeable and incapable of bearing comedic fruit. It surprised me, therefore, to find their names on something so tame and relatively uninspired as "Stuck On You."

The film opens in New England, where conjoined twins Bob and Walt Tenor work together (of course) in Bob's Quickie Burger restaurant. Each order, regardless of size, is guaranteed to be on the table in three minutes, or it's free, but Bob and Walt have gotten short order cooking down to such a science, that they never have to make good on the pledge. Their choreography is enough to make Tom Cruise in "Cocktail" look positively inept.

Surgery has been eliminated as an option for the Tenor brothers. Walt needs Bob's liver to survive, and the belief is that Walt would not make it through the surgery. But by the same token, the brothers have sworn never to hold each other back. So one day, brother Walt reveals his dreams of becoming an actor, and the brothers head off to Tinseltown.

They pull into a ramshackle motel to take up residence, where they meet April (Eva Mendes) who takes a shine to them. Surprise, surprise, she's also an actress, with a beautiful body and absolutely no brains. It takes her a full five minutes to realize that the Tenors are joined at the hip, and they're wearing bathing suits.

Bob's in love with May (Wen Yann Shih), with whom he's been corresponding on the internet about everything in his life ... except Walt. May's none too bright, either. The brothers have her completely snowed for at least three dates.

Meanwhile, Cher's in a quandry. Her contract specifies that she must do an action/adventure series for television, and she hates it. However, she's allowed to pick her own co-star, and she figures a pair of conjoined twins should mean the kiss of death.

However, thanks to the charisma of Walt and some cunning "blue screen" technique that masks Bob, the show is a huge hit.

One of the more pleasant trends in Hollywood comedy lately has been the willingness for actors to portray themselves in less flattering light, and Cher in this film is no exception. She's an absolute shrew. What IS alarming, however, was her admissions on "The Today Show" last week that she was apparently unaware that she WAS playing herself. But then that's another column.

"Stuck On You" is harmless enough, and indeed has a lot of heart, with strong statements on the importance of brotherhood, family and friendship. But the film plods along, unsure if it wants to be a sincere drama or slapstick comedy, so it flails about like a pair of conjoined twins defending a hockey goal. The actors are game, but the laughs are few and far between.

So for a passable two hours, go ahead and have a good time. If you're a fan of the irreverence of the Farrelly brothers, though, better luck next time.