I realized I made a terrible, terrible mistake. Suddenly, and without warning, my eyes were watering, my nose was running, my mouth was tingling, and my chest felt as though I was going to split wide open into a thousand pieces. And it was time to go on air. If only I could take back the previous thirty seconds where I popped a hot and spicy snack mix into my mouth – multiple times.
I read the news with mascara running down my face. My mouth felt as though it had cotton in it and I was tripping over the words. I had no idea what I was reading; I couldn’t focus on anything but the heat radiating from every pore of my body. I grabbed two tissues. One to wipe my eyes. The other I pressed into my burning mouth and every time there was another source that had some audio reading the news – even if it was for just a couple of seconds – I pressed the napkin into my mouth and breathed really, really hard (and quietly), as though I might physically be able expel the devil’s flaming fires that were resonating through every vein and capillary that God put inside of me. When I spoke, my running nose made it sound like I had a cold while I attempted to sound as normal as possible.
I know you think I am exaggerating for the sake of a good story, as reporters often are apt to do, but I assure you I am not. As soon as I could, I jumped from my chair and ran down the hall, scaring the heck out of the cleaning crew who is here at night. It scared me too, I admit, but I had to appear as though I was normal, all the while hurrying as fast as I could to the break room. It was a strange walk, that attempt to be normal while also wishing to run.
What would relieve this burning sensation? I’ve never put anything into my mouth so hot as that ever before in my entire life. I gulped water and I still felt like I could breathe flames. I finished one bottle, two… nothing seemed to cease the anguish. I started fanning my face, as I was sweating at this point. My right arm suddenly felt like a rash was causing an insatiable itch, and even though I couldn’t figure out how that could possibly be connected, I determined it must be that my body was breaking down from the inside.
To be truthful, I deserved such a scenario after running rapidly into a GAS STATION to find some dinner solution for my evening shift. I saw the words “DANGER: REALLY FREAKING HOT” (no lie, that’s what it says) on the package, but ehh… I like spicy stuff. It’ll be o.k., I thought.
It was not o.k.
I have often envisioned what foods must exist in heaven. I imagine doughnuts and English sticky toffee pudding and homemade biscuits with honey poured onto them.
Never once in my life have I envisioned what foods might exist in the other realm. Until today. Now I know.
I also spent the rest of the evening running to the ladies room, thanks to the massive amounts of water I consumed in such a short period. That may be too much information, but I really don’t care at this point. All humility is gone after running down a hallway, gagging, with mascara down my face, undecided if I’m going to throw up or burn up.
For the next twenty minutes, I had heartburn so bad I thought I couldn’t breathe.
I’m embarrassed to admit this, but you know the worst part of this story? After a little bit of time passed, I got a little hungry. I began to think maybe it really wasn’t *that* bad. I had some more. And some more. And some more.
And it hit me all over again. I got to experience the same runny nose, clammy palms, sweaty hair, inability to breathe all over again for a second time. It really was as bad as I remembered.
So, next time you hear someone making gagging noises between words on the air, it could be because of a number of reasons. Perhaps they have a little cold, are shooing a fly, or trying to cover up a louder distraction.
Or maybe they bought their dinner from a gas station and avoided words in bold print on the exterior of a bag that says, “YOU’LL FEEL LIKE YOU’RE DYING IF YOU EAT THIS.”
