Many years ago, I came up with what I thought was an ingenious way to dealing with that annual exercise in futility, the New Year’s resolution.
I decided I wasn’t going to make resolutions anymore. We have good intentions, of course, when we resolve to put our bad habits behind us, when we decide to put down the bacon double cheeseburgers and drop 20 pounds.
But we usually fail spectacularly in the execution of our plans. We’re weak. A month into our resolutions and we’re sitting on the sofa with a pint of Haagen-Dazs pistachio ice cream while we’re watching Colbert.
Two years ago, though, I actually made a resolution to lose weight and actually kept it. That’s probably because my trainer, Chelsea, was amazing and probably because I had literally gotten too big for my britches. The next year, my resolution was to keep the weight off, and as 2018 ends, I’ve been successful at that, too.
In 2019, I’ll keep up the healthy eating and the exercise, but why tempt fate? The only other resolutions I plan to make in the new year are ones I know I can keep.
To wit, here are my sure-fire, guaranteed, can't-miss resolutions for the New Year:
- I'm not going to eat mushrooms in 2010. Mushrooms are fungus. I don’t eat fungus. I’ve been successful at keeping this resolution for years, since the last time my mother tried to sneak mushrooms into a spaghetti sauce she made. But I’m on to her now, and I always check the sauce before I eat it. This brings me to my second resolution.
- I’m not going to trust my mother where mushrooms are concerned. This is the same woman who made me eat cold, congealed green beans and Brussels sprouts when I was a child, and I’m not taking any chances as an adult.
- I'm not going to buy a yacht. That fact that I can’t even afford the anchor on one of those things has nothing to do with it. I just don’t want a yacht.
- I’m not going to get a tattoo, nor am I going to get any part of my body pierced. God gave my body all the holes it needs, so I don’t see a reason to add any extra ones.
- I'm not going to listen to talk radio or watch any of those TV opinion shows. I don't care if you are a conservative or a liberal, if your idea of debating the issues is hollering at me about how stupid I am for disagreeing with you, I don't really care what your opinion is.
- I’m not going to pull for Georgia Tech. Or Florida. Or Tennessee.
- I'm not going to take up skydiving. My niece, Hunter, did this last year, but I don't see any legitimate reason to jump out of a perfectly good airplane.
- I’m not going to run for political office. I might be forced to run for the county line at some point. But this country has enough problems. It doesn’t need me as a politician.
I think I’ve made a pretty good list. You might think about following my lead.
Or you can continue to be stubborn and do it your own way. But I’ll bet when we get together a year from now to compare notes, I’ll have done a better job of keeping my resolutions than you have.
