As someone who is something of an expert on the subject of eating out, I’m going to offer you some advice today that I hope you’ll consider the next time you’re sitting in a restaurant perusing the menu.
I offer this advice because I’ve come to the inescapable conclusion that there are simply some foods that you should never order at a restaurant because they are, quite frankly, impossible to eat in public.
Example No. 1, spaghetti. I love spaghetti. I went out with friends last week to celebrate a birthday. The birthday girl chose an Italian restaurant, and I bravely ordered spaghetti.
But it is absolutely impossible to eat spaghetti without looking like an idiot. And without getting some of the sauce of your shirt, which, unless you are wearing a marinara-colored shirt, means everyone you encounter the rest of the day knows you attempted to eat spaghetti. And you attempted it poorly.
The proper way to eat spaghetti is to roll it onto your fork. If you roll it correctly, there will not be a strand of spaghetti hanging down. Unfortunately, it is impossible to roll spaghetti onto a fork without a least one strand hanging down.
So, how do you get the strand into your mouth? You suck it in, of course. And I don’t care if you are as Italian as Amerigo Vespucci, you are going to look stupid sucking in a piece of spaghetti.
Oh, and the sauce that was on the strand of spaghetti you just sucked in? Look down. It’s on your shirt, dummy.
I’m not good at rolling spaghetti, so I usually cut it with a fork and then attempt to scoop up bite-sized pieces of spaghetti and sauce. But spaghetti is slippery and it doesn’t always stay on the fork. Where does it go? Usually your lap. After bouncing off your shirt.
My struggles with my spaghetti dinner the other night got me to thinking about other foods that you shouldn’t order in a restaurant.
I love barbecue ribs. But I’m careful about ordering them in a restaurant because eating ribs is an extremely messy proposition. I agree with Lewis Grizzard on this. He once wrote there is only one way to eat ribs: Completely naked with the shower running.
I also love cheeseburgers. But there are certain restaurants that load so much stuff – lettuce, onion, mustard, ketchup, pickles – on their burgers that it is impossible to eat them without some of that stuff falling out. At those restaurants, I sometimes eat my burger with a fork and a knife, which may look silly but at least I don’t have to do a special laundry when I get home.
When I order a salad at a restaurant, I find myself avoiding those little cherry tomatoes. I never know whether I’m supposed to cut the tomato before eating it or put the whole thing in my mouth. Neither really works. Cutting one often sends tomato juice spraying across three tables.
But if you put the whole thing in your mouth without cutting it, you still have a whole tomato in your mouth and, inevitably, someone will ask you a question.
I seldom order soup in a restaurant. Maybe I’m just a klutz. But I find it nearly impossible to bring a spoonful of soup to my mouth without spilling some of it.
Fortunately, the soup stains on my shirt usually match the spaghetti stains. So I’ve got that going for me.
