I am fortunate that I don’t often suffer from insomnia. I’m usually able to fall right asleep and I generally sleep through the night, the occasional middle-of-the-night visit to the bathroom notwithstanding.
But like anyone else, I do sometimes suffer from the inability to either fall asleep or stay asleep. Waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep is the worst feeling in the world.
Lately, it’s happened more often than usual. I’m taking a nasal steroid to fight off the last remnants of bronchitis, and my doctor told me if might affect my sleep patterns for a while.
When I wake up in the middle of the night, I sometimes turn on the television. Unfortunately, the only thing on is infomercials, but I don’t need any Amish cleaning solution or a one-second slicer.
Sometimes I read. But I’ve been told that turning on a light can make it harder to go back to sleep, and it’s difficult to read in the dark.
So usually, I just lie there hoping to go back to sleep. But I live in an older house, and older houses often make lots of strange noises. Now, I’m smart enough to that old houses settle, making noises like “pop” and “creek” and “thump.”
But what it those noises aren’t the noises of a house settling? What if they are something else entirely? Now, my sleep-deprived mind is racing with lots of thoughts, all of them bad.
- CREEEEEK! This is the most common sound you hear while you’re in bed desperately trying to get back to sleep. It’s probably nothing, and you know that. But what if it’s the sound of one of your doors being opened by an escapee from the local mental institution who inspired Jack Nicholson’s performance in “The Shining.”
- THUMP! This is probably the second most common sound you hear at night. You usually hear it just as you are about to fall asleep again. It’s probably that loose gutter banging against the house in the wind, reminding you to fix it. But there’s no wind. That settles it. It’s obviously some crazed maniac going through your stuff in the next room. You lie completely still, waiting for another thump. Just as you start to drift back to sleep, you hear the sound again. If you hear it a third time, it’s probably too late to call the police.
- WHOOSH! Nothing to worry about. That’s just the sound of a toilet flushing. But wait. You’re in the house alone.
- DRIP! DRIP! DRIP! Is there anything more annoying when you are trying to go to sleep than a dripping bathroom faucet? You get up and make sure the water is off. But the drips continue. Uh-oh. What if it’s blood dripping on the floor? Your floor? What if a triple-ax murderer has escaped from jail and is hiding from authorities with his latest victim in your spare bedroom? What if it’s Dracula and he’s come to suck the blood from your neck? Neither of these options sound appealing.
- SCRATCH! SCRATCH! Why is the dog scratching himself in the middle of night? But the dog is sound asleep next to you on the bed? It must be angry, rabid raccoon that has somehow gotten into your house and is not trying to scratch his way into your bedroom to attack you.
Y’all sleep well tonight.
