Well, it’s now been three weeks with no school. Three weeks home with my kids. I’m not gonna lie, I’ve had moments of being overwhelmed, breakdown moments, happy and joyful moments, and then back to the breakdowns. All of us are experiencing a number of emotions, I suppose.
I was even hesitant to write a blog this week. Like most of you, it’s difficult to process what has happened. I don’t know where to begin. One moment our world was perfectly normal, and the next… it’s changed entirely. Nothing is familiar. For a few moments, I mourned what we had lost – end of school year parties, playdates, birthdays, weddings… I’ll probably mourn those again, but for this moment, I want focus on what I have gained. I can honestly say there has been an overall prevailing joy of being home with my kids.
I’m a working mama, so my feelings were a bit different than those around me. I felt jealous at first of all the moms and their “free vacations.” Meanwhile, I’ve had to keep going, as normal, in essential businesses, except with the added job of “teacher,” and without the bonus of my kids having school while I worked. But then, somewhere along the way, even “normal” stopped. Again, back to feeling overwhelmed, lost, and in mourning.
What a weird season. Every time I think I step firmly down, the step shifts and I have to find my footing again. So, here we are. Wherever that is. And wherever I am, I want to grow and learn from this time that I have.
I thought staying home with my kids would be all about what I could teach them. Instead, I’m the one who has learned some things. I’ve learned that my first grader didn’t really know how to tell time. I learned that my preschooler actually does know how to count. I’ve also learned he is obstinate and doesn’t want to do more than he has to. I’ve learned that I don’t entirely understand first grade math. I’m embarrassed to admit I actually had to google a few things to figure it out.
So, at forty-something, with two college degrees, both of which required a proficiency in language skills, I’m learning what a guardian consonant is in first grade grammar. On that note, my seven-year-old taught me how to use Zoom and I’m still learning what Tik Tok is.
At first I figured, with no eating out, my family might perish. I sent my mom and siblings a “well, this may be the last you ever hear from us” text. I’ve learned I CAN survive on what’s in my cabinet – even if it’s out of date. I’ve learned that I can make banana bread, even though it’s been awhile, and I’ve learned I can NOT make biscuits like my grandmother. I can also survive without the local Mexican restaurant’s cheese dip- though I don’t really want to discover for how long. I also learned my husband has been keeping secrets skills from me after 14 years of marriage. Who knew he could make “Yum Yum sauce” just like the Chinese restaurant down the street? And why has he been holding out on me all this time?
I’ve also learned this is an emotional time for us all. We all process and grieve, and homeschool, and even craft, and cook, and use our time differently. I’ve learned I should stay off social media. At first I was overwhelmed with the perfect Pinterest projects all my friends’ kids were showing off. I was overwhelmed with the YouTube links and the resources that were flooding in. I’ve learned that we are o.k. if we do no crafts and just read. Or sometimes that the best crafts can just be made with a cardboard box. Sometimes it takes nothing more than a stick for a kid to be entertained. I’ve also learned that it’s o.k. if I take a break and let the T.V. teach my kids for a minute. I’ve learned some who read this will judge me for that very statement, and I’ve learned to be o.k. with what *I* am learning. It's o.k. if we don't homeschool or craft or cook the same way as everyone else. I'm o.k. not being and doing what everyone else is being and doing. It's too exhausting. I've learned I'm happier just doing and being what works for us - and that doesn't just include my time, but my emotions.
I’ve learned to be quiet. I was arguing on social media with others who seemed to not understand how this pandemic affects my family, our family business and our lives. It’s very personal for us all. I’ve learned to listen in the silence because there is where I find Peace. God says, “Be still and know that I am God.” Without the “wisdom” of the world screaming fears and lies into my head, I’ve learned I can be o.k. in the middle of the storm, as long as I have an unchanging Peace.
I’ve learned that Holy seasons like this Easter are no less Holy just because the world around us isn’t a reflection of it. Easter isn’t about clothes and eggs and Easter Bunnies, after all. It’s about a risen Savior. What better time to know that HOPE exists than now.
I’m learning some things don’t change at all.
So, while I may have a breakdown again before the next blog, or during my next blog, for now, I’m going to enjoy what I’m learning in this season. I’m going to reflect on the opportunity I have to be with my kids in a way I will never get again. And I’m going to trust an unchanging God to protect and guide and provide for us in this Holiest of seasons.
I pray somehow you can find some joy and peace amidst the storm too. And just remember, it’s o.k. if you have to google first grade math. I’m right there with ya. We are ALL right there with ya.
http://accesswdun.com/article/2020/4/892874/learning-from-a-pandemic