Feeling Forgiven

So here is how the conversation goes.<br /> <br /> On a pew at last Sunday's Church service nestled between my sister and my mother, we all listened intently to our pastor. The sermon was about the different judgments that we will undergo when we die.<br /> <br /> As I listened to Preacher Man, I was thinking the two types of judgments sounded scary; if you are a believer you don't go the White Throne Judgment, you actually go to the Judgment Seat of Christ. That is where you are judged on the basis of what deeds you did for others.<br /> <br /> Later on in the sermon the preacher embarked on a speech about how when we ask for forgiveness, God allows Jesus to take the sins we commit and answer for them. Jesus answers for our bad behavior.<br /> <br /> Preacher Man continued to tell about how his mother used to struggle with this concept because she felt like when anything unpleasant happened in her life, it was God getting her back for the wrongs she had done.<br /> <br /> As Preacher Man said, "God's getting his pound of flesh from you."<br /> <br /> He continued. "That is not how God operates; he absolutely couldn't be a just God if he punished Jesus, and then turned and punished you too." So it is settled. When you ask for forgiveness and you believe in Jesus Christ as your savior, then you are forgiven. All the sin is placed on Christ and you are no longer held responsible.<br /> <br /> At that moment my sweet mother looked to me and whispered, "You know you are forgiven, right?"<br /> <br /> Her stare was piercing to my shopworn heart.<br /> <br /> I am not sure if it was the weight of her breath hitting my ear or the weight of the words that she said, but I had to bite my upper lip to keep myself from crying. I was about to all out lose my composure right there in the crowded pew with no alter call or sad story, just the little words that my mother articulated, upset me to the core.<br /> <br /> Do I feel forgiven?<br /> <br /> No.<br /> <br /> I have made so many wrong turns. Detours on my road to the number 26 train that I can't even remember where I was going.<br /> <br /> I started my adult path going towards the picture of"family" including a hubby and some kids by now, but all of that fell apart long ago.<br /> <br /> I have started thinking about several options for myself as I continue this year maybe I will return to school for my graduate degree? Maybe I will pick up and move two hours away from my family and pursue another career? Maybe I will just sit here, continuing to write to myself until I am committed.<br /> <br /> I have started dieting.<br /> And working out a lot.<br /> Like one hour minimum a day and writing down everything I consume.<br /> <br /> At this point in my journey I am just grabbing at sand trying to hold tightly to it as it runs through my palms. I am in such need of an advance. I am in need of Jesus to sit by me on that pew and help me to swallow, reassess, and look my mother in the eye and say, "Yes, of course I know I am forgiven."<br /> <br /> The knowing is not the problem. It's the feeling that makes me shudder.<br /> <br /> I just don't feel forgiven.<br /> <br /> <br /> <i>Katie Austin is a Buford native and has been with Jacobs Media since 2006. She is involved in social media, news, and is the first person you meet when entering Jacobs Media Corporation. Katie reports from North Georgia's newsroom, is a staff writer for Accessnorthga.com and is also known to do the occasional WDUN TV newscast. Contact her at [email protected] or 770-531-6500.</i>

http://accesswdun.com/article/2011/1/235432