What makes some families strong? Researchers have worked on answers to this question for years. This column discusses three important family strengths. My next column will discuss three additional strengths. I'll also suggest activities that may help build or improve these strengths in your family.
Family Strength I:
Caring And Appreciation
Families are strengthened by expressions of caring and appreciation. Even when a family member makes many mistakes, members of strong families find ways to encourage and support each person.
Strong families notice and share positive aspects of each other. For example, they pay attention to another person's polite behavior or something nice he or she did or said. They notice the talents, skills achievements, special qualities, and characteristics that make the other person unique. You might show appreciation by writing short love notes about one of these things, and put the note under the person's pillow, or in a backpack, briefcase, or purse. Write something like "Emily, I'm proud of you for working so hard on your homework. Love, Dad."
Giving time is an important way of showing caring and appreciation. Children want parents to be available-to have time, to show interest, to do things with them, and to talk with them. A strong family finds that opportunities for quality time occur as they spend quantity time together. Eating meals together, sharing joys and defeats, working together, making treats together, and watching movies or playing games are examples of shared activities. Some families even schedule one evening every week for special family activities.
Physical expressions are good ways of showing affection, love, and appreciation. Small children often like to snuggle with their parents. A quick pat, a hug, a kiss, a handclasp, or an arm around the shoulder can say a lot to people of all ages.
Consider making gift certificates for each other. Be sure to follow through and do what the certificate promises.
Good manners and everyday courtesy to a child or a spouse lets the person know that he or she matters. Ask children and other family members to do things rather than demand that they do them. Compliment good behavior. Thank family members for their efforts. Ask for opinions. Listen to comments. Avoid saying anything that is critical or unkind.
Family Strength 2:
Commitment
Members of strong families are committed to the family. They value the things that make their family special. Even when times are hard, they work on problems together.
One way to build family commitment is to practice family traditions. A family tradition is any activity or event that occurs regularly and holds special meaning for that family. The tradition may be as simple as stories and prayers before bedtime, Saturday morning pancakes, or as elaborate as an annual big vacation. Because these traditions have meanings that are special to the family, they create feelings of warmth, closeness, and specialness. Traditions can build a feeling of stability and safety for family members.
One way to build family loyalty and commitment is to compile a family history. Ask older relatives to talk about their lives. Their stories contain a glimpse of their personalities and strengths. Learn about your family's heritage. Discover what country your ancestors came from, when they lived, how they lived, and what they did for a living. Find books, magazines, tapes, films, or pictures that relate to the countries your ancestors lived in and the things people did in those countries.
Family Strength 3:
Communication
Strong families communicate. They talk. They share themselves. They share their feelings, hopes, dreams, fears, joys, sorrows, experiences, growth, and needs. They take the time to listen and respond to what others have to say. There are a number of things that can improve family communication.
Make time to talk. It is especially important to talk about feelings. You may decide to turn off the TV so the family can talk. Talk about feelings and experiences while driving in the car, while sharing household chores, or before bedtime. You can encourage family members to share by saying, "Tell me more." "Wow. That must have been exciting (frightening, etc.)." "What was the best part of the day for you?"
You might try playing a talking game. Write down on small pieces of paper questions about topics important to your family. Questions might range from "What age would you like to be and why?" and "What animal would you like to be?" to more serious questions like "Do you think it is ever all right to tell a lie?"
Make the questions appropriate for the ages of the family members. Place the questions in a box and have each person draw out a sheet of paper and respond to the question. This game can be played at dinnertime or during special times set aside for talking.
When your family has a problem, make suggestions that are kind and helpful. Try to suggest actions that you or others could take to improve the situation or solve the problem. If you criticize another person's actions without helping that person come up with an alternative, he or she may feel frustrated and helpless.
Be a good listener. Listening to what others say and feel is one of the most powerful ways of showing love. To be good listeners we often must set aside our lectures and really try to understand from the point of view of the other person. The goal is simply to hear, understand, and accept the other person's feelings and views.
The other person may feel understood if you say to him or her, "It sounds like you feel [describe what you think the person feels]. Is that right?" The other person can then say if he or she was correctly understood. Real acceptance and understanding take patience and active listening.
Debbie Wilburn is County Agent/Family and Consumer Science Agent with the Hall (770)535-8290 and the Forsyth (770)887-2418 County Extension Service.
http://accesswdun.com/article/2003/8/174905