In case you missed it, it had to do with how men and women do things differently - in this case, loading a dishwasher. The way I carefully explained it, women see it as an endless chore to be hastily completed while men see it as another opportunity to demonstrate male superiority.
To prove my point, I noted how women consider a dishwasher fully loaded when there is any combination of dishes, pots, pans, utensils and glasses that total the number seven. Conversely, men relish the healthy challenge and cost savings of being able to cleverly load all the dishes in the house plus half of the next door neighbor's dishes. It's like solving a Rubik's cube: once it's done, a man can stand tall and brag to his buds.
Writing the column wasn't the stupid part. Getting it printed in the newspaper was the part that cemented the lack of brain development in the male species. Not only did my wife not see any great "survival of the fittest" advantage in being able to load a dishwasher, but because of my cute little article, she bequeathed me the official title and duties of Dishwasher Boy - in perpetuity. It was a great victory for the female perspective.
Since that time, I've learned to pick and choose my column topics more carefully in the hopes of demonstrating that the male brain can evolve over time. My wife, on the other hand, compounded her triumph by producing three daughters. As a result, the male perception in our household has eroded at a geometric rate as I have been slowly sucked dry by the majority female perception.
Occasionally, however, there are times when I am convinced that the male perspective has merit and should be recognized as such. Last week, an opportunity to herald the male perspective presented itself when my oldest daughter took the lead in the dishwashing chore. It was the ultimate irony and I seized upon it.
It should be pointed out that "taking the lead" doesn't mean she gathered the dirty dishes or loaded the dishes or actually closed the dishwasher door, set the timer, and turned it on. Taking the lead in this case just means offering to put the soap in those cute little cups inside the door.
Initially, I was proud of her effort because I realized that if we all worked together and provided encouragement and support that she and her sisters might be able to venture into the more radical areas of household chores like actually picking up an article of clothing off the floor and hanging it in the closet before they go off to college.
But somehow, in her effort to hastily complete an endless chore, she used dishwashing liquid instead of dishwashing detergent. In case you didn't know, the difference results in the kitchen turning into a super bubble palace. I shared my male perspective with my wife. "Everybody knows you don't do that," I groused.
My wife naturally defended her offspring. "It could have happened to anybody. Let's just leave it and clean it up in the morning. Me and the girls are going to look at magazines in bed."
Surveying the mess in the kitchen, I decided to teach my girls the beautiful part of that male perception that says "Size up the job and tackle it head-on without procrastinating."
An hour later, all the girls came back down to the kitchen for popcorn as I was finishing up. My wife looked around and told me what a great job I did mopping up the kitchen and how smart and strong and superior men were in such important matters, and all the girls agreed and hugged me before heading back upstairs to watch the Bedspread Channel.
Mop Boy is another title that I now have in perpetuity. In the meantime, the evolution of the male brain remains an incredibly slow process.
http://accesswdun.com/article/2003/8/174060