It's tough to be a parent. The desire for health, security and a responsible child requires the need to set limits. Limits are a constant source of friction and miscommunication.
Limits are specific behavioral expectations parents set for their children. Setting limits defines the boundaries for acceptable behavior. Parents show their love, concern, and willingness to parent children when they set and use reasonable limits. Limits are the basis of parental responsibility.
Setting limits provides children with guidance before they get into trouble. Children know from the beginning what is expected. Limits tell children what to do and how well it should be done. Limits define the family standards. Children who understand limits are much more likely to assume responsibility for their actions.
Define the why. Explanations make sense only if the limits are reasonable, clear, positive, enforceable and valued. Ask the child to restate the rule. If children know the rule and understand the why, they are more likely to accept them.
By age five, many children can help in the decision making process. They can help decide some of their rules. Asking children to give their opinion about limits boosts self-confidence and self-control and promotes ownership and a greater cooperation and willingness to understand and accept consequences.
Keep limits to important matters. Too many limits can be a burden to both parents and children. Limits should be based on the highest family priorities. Too few or too many rules create fear, anxiety or anger. Limits that are clear, positive and consistently enforced are an important step toward responsive self-discipline.
Rules can be classed into four kinds. Those that:
* Prevent physical harm-"Play in the yard. You could get hurt if you go in the street."
* Protect property-"Smell the flowers. Their home is the outdoors; let's not pick them."
* Prevent psychological harm-"Let's help your sister. Laughing at her would make her feel sad."
* Respect for others-"Ask Tommy before you play with his toys."
Rules need to be consistent with a child's abilities and must be appropriate to their age and maturity level. Children are more likely to follow rules they understand rather than rules for rules sake. Revise limits to adapt to changes in the child's age and development. Distinguish between wants and needs. Children's wants are never-ending. Never having to-brush their teeth, clean their room, eat nutritionally sound foods, go to bed, do their homework or get dressed for school may sound appealing. Wanting whatever is advertised on TV-toys, food, clothes, candy and places to go and wanting whatever their friends have is typical. Children's needs are few but fundamental. These are love, security, appreciation, nurturing, food, shelter, structure and the comfort of a familiar routine.
Emphasize the positive and avoid the negative. Children will learn the limits better if parents emphasize the positive. Too many No's and Don'ts will make a child "parent-deaf." Tell a child what to do rather than only what not to do. Learn to rephrase negatives in a positive way while clearly stating the desired behavior. For example, instead of saying, "Don't break anything," say "There are many breakable things in this store so please walk carefully and keep your hands to yourself."
Setting positive limits is important for helping children deal with their emotions. When children become angry or frustrated, parents are likely to react with negative limits-"Don't hit your brother!" Self-discipline can be taught with clear, positive limits. Model for children the behavior that is appropriate. Provide them with another form of expression-for example, tell them "when you get angry, tell me how you are feeling. Tell me you are angry."
Set enforceable limits. Parents must be consistent. They must enforce limits their child deliberately defies. Appropriate and relative consequences must be in place and understood by the child when rules are established.
Accept that children won't like rules. It's normal for them not to. Children will challenge a parent's commitment by breaking rules. They are exerting their own independence. They are testing parental willingness to stand behind what they say is important.
Children want and need to know their limits. When children have clear limits, they quickly learn the "rules of the game." Clear limits tell children exactly what is expected of them. This understanding helps children learn and take responsibility for their own actions and to grow in self-confidence and self-reliance.
Source: Colorado State University Cooperative Extension Office.
Debbie Wilburn is County Agent/Family and Consumer Science Agent with the Hall (770)535-8290 and the Forsyth (770)887-2418 County Extension Service.
http://accesswdun.com/article/2003/8/173885