It was never my intent to take on the entire squirrel population single-handedly. In fact, up until a few years ago, I thought of squirrels as harmless little creatures that made for good cartoons. That was before I learned the truth about the evil Squirrel Empire.
Our house has a huge attic. It has to be big because it has to hold a couple of hundred squirrels at any given time. When we bought our home, we liked having the extra space. I just wish we had known about the Squirrel Resort Hotel.
We first realized we had tenants on Christmas day of 1993. Early that morning, we heard a rustling sound from above. "Tiny reindeer," I sleepily whispered to my wife. But after a few minutes of what sounded like a miniature barroom brawl, we realized that we were under invasion. We've been losing the war ever since.
Over time, I tried everything to rid us of our unwanted guests. My first approach was to scatter around a box of mothballs based on the suggestion that squirrels can't stand the smell. When the first box didn't work, I figured I just needed a few more to do the trick so I unloaded a fifty-pound bag in the attic. The squirrels were delighted with my generosity. Instead of leaving, they formed soccer leagues.
For my next approach, I bought a BB gun. That night, when the party kicked in, I launched an attack. In the process, I learned that crashing around a dark attic in your boxer shorts is not in the Delta Force training manual. Besides that, BBs tend to ricochet in amazing ways in an attic, and I ended up beating a hasty retreat.
After that came the utterly useless Sonic Pest Control Noise Emitter. It made a sonic sound alright â
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